Family life is not only happiness, peace and prosperity, but also endless permanent work on relationships. Spouses are waiting for a variety of difficulties, but one of the most unpleasant moments for many is betraying a partner. According to statistics, in five of six cases, it is men who change. The reason for this lies in many factors, knowing and warning that, you can avoid adultery and build a strong and stable marriage.
Do all men change?
Omar Khayyam said: "You can seduce a man who has a wife, you can seduce a man who has a mistress, but you cannot seduce a man who has a beloved woman."
For the most part, this statement is true: the strong love of a man for a woman makes the very idea of treason unacceptable to him. However, much also depends on the woman herself and on the psychology of the man. Treason does not always happen because of a family situation or a woman’s behavior. Sometimes men give in to nature, which claims that all men are inherently polygamous. This is true in the case of many male representatives.
By nature, many men need to seize and conquer new horizons, get new sensations and seduce new women. This is a natural way of male self-affirmation, and it is not always psychologically unacceptable. Rarely a woman can come to terms with this state of affairs, however, it is possible to recognize the nature of a polygamous man at the beginning of a relationship, and trying to change him is not the most reliable and, often, ungrateful thought.
To justify treason with the phrase “All men change” and tolerating such an attitude in order to save a marriage is also not the best way. Sometimes the reasons lie in the other, sometimes even in ourselves, so first of all it is necessary to find out the reason why a married man changes, and then act or inactive.
The causes of male adultery
Regardless of the way in which a woman finds out about the fact of betrayal: whether the husband came to repent, whether the mistress “boasted”, whether a detective investigation was carried out, an important question arises for the woman - what to do next? In order to solve this, you must first understand the reason for treason. Some of them can be a weighty reason to break the relationship, some - the reason for working on them.
Classify male adultery can be in three categories:
- Internal problems of the family;
- Internal problems of men;
- External factors.
The most common cause of male adultery, despite various factors, are family problems. Often they have a share of the guilt of both the man and the woman. Treason can provoke unfavorable family situation, causing the man a desire to escape from conflict. The birth of a child sometimes causes cooling of the senses against the background of stress in both partners.
Sometimes women themselves give a man a reason to turn away and look at others, forgetting about the immutable postulate of family relations: marriage is not a reason to relax. During the first dates, the woman tries to present herself with the best hand, and in marriage often stops doing so, killing the interest of the spouse in the bud. Women stop talking to their husband on interesting topics, buy beautiful clothes, wear beauty and behave sexy and attractive, and men immediately notice this.
Tired of the routine, lack of emotions cause in men a feeling of loneliness and uselessness in the family, which leads them to attempts to fill the desired on the side.
If speak about internal male problems, as the reason for treason, it is worth mentioning the above-described polygamous predisposition of character and the illogical property of some men to try to kindle feelings in already existing relationships by diverting them to new ones.
Yes, many men confess: adultery is a way to understand and re-value your woman. Another thing is that in order to accept and realize this state of affairs, a woman will need a huge amount of patience and wisdom.
Lack of sex or even a difference in sexual preferences can be significant factor of family lifeleading to male treason. In a man's life, sex occupies a much larger place than in a woman’s life, and if the intimate life of the spouses after the wedding remains at the same level or, even worse, it subsides, sooner or later the man will start looking for relaxation on the side.
It is worth thinking about how to diversify the sex life with new poses or practices - this will cause a man to have strong emotions, affection and gratitude.
Thirst thrill - what a man can buy, when a figure of a stranger with a mysterious call sign gazes in front of him. Women know this very well, so an unprincipled nympho can easily get a man who has everything stable and ordinary in family life. There are wines of the spouse in this, but much less, because the ability to appreciate stable happiness, without exchanging it for fleeting passion, should be a priority for a man.
From a psychological point of view, the causes of male adultery go much deeper into the past and sometimes even into childhood.
Opinion psychologist about male treason
From the point of view of psychology, adultery occurs due to many factors, the causes of which may lie within the personality. A great influence on a person has his childhood. The model of behavior of each spouse, established in childhood by the example of parents and close relatives, dictates the conditions of family life.
A child who lived in an inferior family or with parents who have always quarreled, growing up, subconsciously adopts their mode of communication and arranges their family life in exactly the same way. Even if since childhood the child grows up with the thought that he will do everything to make it drastically different, the fear of repeating someone’s destiny will provoke unnecessary anxieties. Also teenage and already adult experience leaves its mark on family life.
A woman who has been changed once, although she will do her best to forget this unpleasant period of life, will subconsciously fear and wait for repetition, jealousy and suspicion provoking a man to commit adultery. A man, faced with betrayal in other respects, will subconsciously be ready to change with the thought that if something happened to him - why can't he?
Depending on how old the marriage is, the reasons may vary. Men change their wives in a young marriage because they are not sure until the end of the choice made. Most often, such men change their wives, but they do not divorce, because, paradoxically, they are not sure of their uncertainty in the choice made.
Why men change their wives, but do not go away - the question is much more interesting, although the answer to it will seem to many to be trivial, albeit ambiguous. Perhaps the simplest and most common cause is habit.
It is the understanding of the fact that no instant passion can replace a warm family hearth, the usual menu of favorite dishes and happy children, keeps husbands in families.
Therefore, having walked, they will return, and it is even possible to confess to the crime. It is easier to manage such men and fix them is a matter of time and invention of a wise wife.
If we even consider the very possibility of treason from a psychological point of view, it becomes clear that the presence of one fear of betrayal is already a serious reason to seek advice from a specialist. Of course, it will be much better if both spouses come to the reception, but practice shows that this happens very rarely before adultery and a little more often after. However, psychological help is very important, because understanding your spouse's behavior and behavior is a key factor in trust and mutual understanding in the family.
What do men say about treason?
Sadly, according to statistics, almost all husbands at different periods of marriage think about sex with other women. Want more than it is - one of the laws of the male consciousness, the natural instinct of the breadwinner is not eradicated. But you can mute and reassure, having achieved a stable environment, but few men understand this with gaining experience and reaching a more mature age.
Thoughts about treason begin to visit men in the most difficult periods, when a happy life is interspersed with conflicts and misunderstanding, refusals or interruptions in sex, when a man’s desire reaches a peak. If at such a moment an affordable, free and attractive woman turns out to be close to a man, thoughts of betrayal will invariably arise, even if the man drives them backwards. In order to remain monogamous, when natural instincts are trying to gain the upper hand, and the attraction to their own wife begins to fade, great efforts are needed.
It often happens that husbands who love their wife endlessly change. Despite the fact that frequent betrayals quickly lead to the opening of deception, it is easy enough to change and not to get caught today. There is a considerable amount of instructions on how to hide treason on the Internet, but the main mistake of women makes this task easy and simple: inattention to her husband or a deliberate denial of the fact of adultery.
According to statistics, men who have sex with their wives less than 4 times a month change 5 times more often than spouses with a high intima percentage in family life.
The problem is that a man who is thinking about treason does not think about the consequences. Even when a possible betrayal only looms on the horizon, the man thinks that the relationship will change, the wife will change by itself and become the same as before, or even better, and does not apply any effort for it. As a result, when expectations are not justified, a man of anger and resentment toward his wife goes on treason and comes to the paradoxical desire to be exposed in this. Thus, without realizing it, the man tries to show his wife how much her insensitivity oppresses and hurts him.
Men do not know how to express what is accumulated in their souls like women. Therefore, the wise wife needs to feel the mood swings of her man and warn of dangerous moments. Sometimes the time shown attention can dissuade a man in an effort to change, especially if he does not want this.
What to do if a man changes?
The situation with the change may develop differently, but most often the same scenario occurs:
- The husband begins to behave extremely suspiciously, directing the wife to thoughts of an accomplished or imminent betrayal;
- There is strong, but indirect evidence of the fact of treason;
- Treason is revealed - short-lived "investigations", recognition of the spouse, the mistress, or the libel of outsiders.
In any of these cases, the woman instinctively tries to take some action, most often aimed at saving the marriage. It is easy for an attentive woman to recognize betrayal by the way a man feels nervous during calls and conversations, does not look into his eyes, loses concentration, or vice versa - pays more attention and gifts, becomes more passionate.
If the betrayal is not yet proven to the end and there is no complete certainty, it is not always necessary to make sure to the end. Of course, any woman wants to know for sure, not only about whether a man changes her, but also the name of a runt and her whole pedigree up to the seventeenth knee. However, the first rule of a wise woman, faced with adultery, advises to calm down.
First of all, when determining the fact of treason, you should calm down and master your emotions.
Following this simple rule often saves spouses from irreparable mistakes, and families from collapse. It is not easy to pull oneself in, having received such a powerful blow of life, but it is worth doing this if you are not one of those pragmatic people who immediately realize that deceivers are not worth your nerves. The first advice that all psychologists give in such situations is to disengage completely, until the mind prevails over the senses.
Already after you calm down - answer yourself two questions:
- Are you sure that cheating was?
- If a betrayal has occurred, are you ready to forgive her?
Depending on these answers, a further action plan follows. When there is no certainty about treason, and for various reasons it is impossible to find evidence - this is a great time to analyze your life and identify the reasons for which treason could occur, and after revealing it, start working on them.
The worst thing a woman can do in this situation is to come to an open conflict in an attempt to simply make sure that there are horns on her own head. Caught by force of recognition will lead to the fact that the man considers it necessary to destroy the relationship to the end and restore them will not be easy.
Whether you know or not, that you have been changed - the final plan of action does not depend on it. It depends on whether you can forgive treason and do everything to strengthen the family, or rather put an end to the cheater. Both of these decisions are equilibrium in the strength of spirit that is required for adoption. Especially if the couple have common children.
Most women, even if they want to forgive their husband and build relationships, do not do this because they are afraid of condemnation of society. It should be remembered once and for all: your family is only yours. It is up to you to decide what is right and what is not, and to focus on someone else's opinion is the last thing you should do.
It is fair that there are thoughts of divorce - it should be, and this is natural. But to decide, without thinking, should not be. To begin with, before making such an important decision, consider three questions:
- Do you have a place to go if you divorce?
- Do you have the strength, opportunities and finances for the independent upbringing of children?
- How firmly are you convinced of the need for a divorce, and do you have any doubts about the correctness of such a decision?
If the answer to all three questions is affirmative, without the prefix "but", you should definitely divorce. But if there are children in the family, it is necessary to remember about compulsory courts, the division of property and children, perhaps even the payment of alimony. In this case, it is better not to say anything to the now ex-husband, take the children, go to the parents or to your house, change the phone number, locks and talk to the husband only through lawyers. Having survived a divorce - go further, building your life.
You can make a scandal, you can stay at home and demand that the husband move to his mistress, you can call on the help of friends, relatives, brothers-father, without bringing, of course, to a fight. So do all normal women.
Psychologically suited women do otherwise. They first analyze their lives, identifying the causes that led to adultery, and most often find them in family life, often in themselves. A strong woman, if she loves her husband, or leaves peacefully, or forgives and starts working on relationships and helping her husband to work on them.
From the moral point of view, the most difficult thing at this stage is to start a frank conversation. To tell about the revealed treason. To be ready for possible scenarios: repentance or denial. In both situations, the decision remains for the woman: give a chance or leave. In the first case, a relapse is possible if the corresponding work is not done, in the second - other difficulties. If both have feelings for each other, everything becomes a little easier.
Whatever decision you make, it will be difficult anyway. It is necessary to rationally weigh the pros and cons of all possible paths and choose the most advantageous in the light of the future, but no more painless. Family life is a house that is built brick by brick, and one builder will build it much more slowly than two.
